Random thoughts on motherhood

My son is 14 weeks now. He's so darn cute, and I am mad about him. Ever since becoming his mother I've discovered such a softer and more laid back way of parenting compared to what I was like with my daughter. I did only what I knew with her, and alot of it was based on socities expectations of a mother and child and not my own. I remember when she was a small newborn I used to carry her around in those God awful carseats. I would place her on the ground in a friend's house. My insides were screaming "LIFT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!" but my brain, infused with socities expectations told me to leave her, that teaching her independence at a young age was good for her. That being a mother meant having to let go. God help me I don't know why I didn't just lift her! I kept her at a safe and people friendlly distance if you know what I mean. All the advice from books and friends was telling me to keep a safe distance from my baby. Now mind you, I am very close to my daughter. She's the bee's knees, and I am very proud of the little girl she is turning into, but truth be known I would have done it different had I of known. Now my son is another story. He is kept close. He is carried and held often, he sleeps beside my huband and I. He is connected to me. And it feels damn good. He can sleep on his own if it suits him, but if it doesn't then so be it. I've read up on attatchment parenting since having him. He was such a cuddly baby who didn't like to be set down. I thought I was doing a diservice to him and myself by letting myself hold him when he wanted. After reading about 'ap' I realise that I'm doing a service to him by keeping him close. My old questions with my daughter of 'Is she independent enough?' or 'am I holding her too much?' 'Am I spoiling her?' are replaced with a whole new set of questions, 'do I hold him enough?' Has he been in his buggy too long?' 'should I wear him in his sling more often?' 'have I let him cry too much?'. I still also battle with my old way in my head. I don't know if I can wait for my son to decide in his own accord when to leave our bed. I'll cross that bridge later though. I think mother's, no matter how strong minded, still worry they aren't doing their best for their children. After all, a mother's love is so strong and intense. Nothing I could do for them will ever feel enough. I do know I am a good mother.

I dream of a society so different to the one we live in. In it breastfeeding is a non issue. Women all do it and support eachother in it's daily struggles. Bare breasted women can sit and feed their babys anyplace without worrying what people might see or think. In this society, children are treated with equal consideration as adults. They are included in get togethers and parties, and welcome in eating establishments. Parents of tantruming children aren't tutted, but sypathised with. In this society our friends and neighbors are like family, and their children are like our own. We parent as a community. We trouble shoot our problems and worries with eachother without worrying what others might think of it. It all sounds so lovely and care free, but you know what? Shit will still happen. Today my dd was playing with a friend the same age as her. I love this little girl. The two of them are complete opposites. My daughter is quieter than the average 2 year old, she can be a bit shy, and apprehensive about trying new things. She would much more prefer building blocks or playing dollies, than running through a playzone, climbing, and jumping. Her little friend is much more of the rough and tumble type of child. She loves meeting new people and playing chase. She can get a bit physical at times, and my daughter has paid for this in the past. Only today my daughter got a scratch across the face when she wouldn't hand over a toy, and then later got pulled by her top for the same reason. Now my first motherly instinct is to drop kick the little girl out the window. I forget all about my made up idealic society that the child who's scratching my daughters face should be treated like one of my own. I can tell you though if it was one of my own I wouldn't react the way her mommy does....by doing nothing and giving her daughter hugs and kisses for it. ; )